


I Loved You

by seventheavenly



Series: Etudes [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 16:45:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12236769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seventheavenly/pseuds/seventheavenly
Summary: Where Youngjae comes to realize that he can no longer love Jaebum.Inspired by DAY6's I Loved You.





	I Loved You

_Inspired by[DAY6's I Loved You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwLMA5XYnKI)._

 

I’ve been wanting to write a series of stories inspired by songs I love, and here’s the first!

Initially hoped to post this up on Youngjae’s birthday, but I’m obviously late.  
If you don’t already know, I am a sucker for DAY6’s music so there will likely be another fic in this series inspired by another one of their songs.

Also, I didn’t beta read this, so please excuse me if my tenses are mixed up and if there are any typos!

 

* * *

 

“Happy birthday, Choi Youngjae.”

 

Or so he wished himself—but the fact is that Youngjae had imagined his twenty-second birthday to be rather different.

 

He did imagine that there would be alcohol involved in the celebration, but he did not expect to be **this** intoxicated.

 

He did imagine that he would make an important wish, like he did before for all his previous birthdays—but not one that would break his own heart.

 

He did imagine that he would be celebrating it with someone he loved, but not quite in this way.

 

He looks at the man seated next to him, or at least, he tries to.

 

To focus his blurry gaze on the man who had stepped into his life without warning, who brightened it up almost too instantly, who had stayed by his side during some of his darkest days, who now wore a worried look on his face—the man Youngjae had loved since three years ago.

 

No, he reminds himself bitterly: he no longer loved him.

 

Im Jaebum is now merely a man he once loved.

 

* * *

 

 

It all started with a kiss.

 

He remembers the many excuses he had thrown at BamBam and Yugyeom just to escape from attending Jackson’s weekend party. After attending a few, Youngjae knew better than to let himself back into such wild parties—especially when finals were looming close.

 

Youngjae also remembers giving in at the end, sulking behind the two as they made their way happily out of the dorms towards where Jackson’s parents owned a nice house. Nice, as in, it made a great house for parties: complete with a pool table, a swimming pool, and even some retro arcade machines.

The sight of the lit up house oozing with upbeat tunes had almost made Youngjae want to make a run for it, but BamBam had grabbed him before he had the chance to do so and Youngjae soon found himself drowning in the blaring music of the party.

 

His first plan was to grab a drink and find a place to hide from everyone else—a seemingly foolproof plan to avoid awkward social situations and still be able to entertain himself. However, should have expected things to never go as planned whenever he attended parties, especially not one held at Jackson’s house.

 

Having found a bottle of juice, Youngjae was about to sneak over to the little balcony he had found the first time he was there—but found his path blocked by a huge crowd. Everyone’s attention was focused on someone in the middle of the room, so Youngjae followed suit, his gaze landing on a blindfolded figure singled out amidst the crowd.

 

Even with the cloth over his eyes, Youngjae could tell how handsome the person was. His broad shoulders, sharp jaw and slicked-back hair making girls swoon, his ripped jeans and many ear piercings a clear warning to not mess with him. But there is a grin on the person’s face, a grin of enjoyment and confidence—Youngjae would never admit it to anyone else, but he had been quite mesmerized by the sight then.

 

“Choose someone, Jaebum!”

 

“Hurry up!”

 

“Get yourself a nice girl and kiss her!”

 

The situation dawns on Youngjae then, and he can’t help but smile weakly and shake his head. It seemed just like something that would happen nowhere else but at one of Jackson’s parties. Speaking of the devil, he notices his senior standing on top of a chair across the room, screaming loudly at the boy—Jaebum, Youngjae notes—and urging the person on.

 

Instead of being riled up, Jaebum merely smiles and laughs after.

 

Youngjae does not remember what overcomes him then that he feels compelled to join in the cheering, but he does. Waving his unopened bottle of juice, he joins the rhythmic chants of ‘Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!’ and doesn’t resist laughing loudly in amusement when a group of girls gasp and blush as Jaebum moved near them.

 

Even though he had been reaching out, Jaebum stops then and turns around to face the area where Youngjae is standing. Youngjae tries hard not to laugh at what a tease Jaebum is, acting that way when he knew there was so much attention on him—but ends up laughing anyway.

 

The girls standing next to Youngjae break out in an excitement that even Youngjae could feel beneath the sound of music and cheers. He remembers turning to look at them with a smile on his face, amused at their reaction.

 

In that moment, he had tried to recall when he last felt giddy over someone, but before finding an answer, fingers find his cheeks instead—brushing over them before lips are gently pressed onto his.

 

Youngjae remembers the shouts that filled his ears, the same wild shouts that dulled into a numbing silence, until all that he heard were the frantic beats of his own heart.

 

He remembers wondering if Jaebum had mistaken him for a girl, remembers a voice in his head reminding him that he should be breaking the kiss—but he doesn’t.

 

He remembers the moment when Jaebum finally breaks the kiss after viciously nibbling at his lips, and the look of surprise on Jaebum’s face when he removes the blindfold—he remembers wondering in fear if Jaebum would beat him up.

 

Youngjae remembers all these, but the one thing he remembers is how Jaebum looks at him then. From the gentle flush that takes over Jaebum’s cheeks upon realizing that he had kissed Youngjae instead of a girl, to the flustered smile that is directed to him.

 

It is then that Youngjae falls head over heels for the stranger called Jaebum.

 

* * *

 

 

After the party, BamBam and Yugyeom had made it their mission to constantly remind Youngjae of how his first kiss is taken by a ridiculously handsome senior.

 

In fact, news of Jaebum and Youngjae’s kiss had spread like wildfire across campus, successfully reminding Youngjae why he should not have attended the party in the first place.

 

After the kiss, Youngjae had made a frenzied dash back to his dorm, but he could not run from all the gossip that now surrounded him and Jaebum.

 

However, the fact that Jaebum is outside his classroom one day, looking as handsome as ever and grinning at **_him_ ** is enough to make up for all of it. Jaebum apologizes for the rumours and proposes to make it up to him by buying him lunch—to which Youngjae shyly accepts after Jaebum follows him around campus for a whole hour until he gave in and agreed.

 

Youngjae is modest and doesn’t ask for an expensive meal, but Jaebum insists on ‘something good’ so they end up in his car, driving through streets that are unfamiliar to Youngjae and finding out that they share similar tastes in music through Jaebum’s playlist.

 

They arrive at a Korean restaurant in a part of town Youngjae has never been to before, but despite his slight wariness, Youngjae enjoys the food too much and comes to learn a lot about Jaebum.

 

Jaebum, too, learns a lot about him.

 

Even though he was not one to share much about himself, the older boy had known what to ask and when to ask them, resulting in Youngjae sharing more than he usually would with someone he had just got acquainted with.

 

Instead of heading home, Jaebum drives them both to an arcade and the day is forgotten amidst button-smashing consoles with vibrant flashing lights.

 

The sun had already set when they both realize how time had flown by, and before Youngjae can tell Jaebum he needed to be back at the dorm, the other already proposes to have dinner together.

 

Thinking back, Youngjae thinks he should have declined the offer then.

 

But he had not, both of them ending up in a little cafe called Hush that had desserts that Jaebum swore by.

 

When Jaebum drops Youngjae off at the dorm, it feels too surreal: to feel so comfortable around someone he should have been awkward with, to feel so familiar with a stranger he had just gotten to know, to feel so immensely attached to someone over such a short amount of time.

 

Jaebum pulls Youngjae into a quick hug and repeats his apology, saying that he would see him around campus and that they should hang out once in awhile.

 

Goodnights are exchange and Youngjae waves as the other drives off, feeling ridiculously happy and horribly melancholic at the same time.

 

* * *

 

 

“Are you dating Jaebum,” is how BamBam greets Youngjae one day, after having invited himself over to Youngjae’s room for late night snacks. Youngjae chokes on his potato chips and tries glaring at BamBam in hopes of deterring him, but to no avail.

 

“I’m not,” he huffs, refusing to share his last bottle of soda with the other in petty revenge.

 

“Really?” BamBam does not sound convinced at all. “Everyone thinks you’re dating—you guys are literally almost always together!”

 

“You’re always around Jackson too, and Yugyeom—does that mean you’re in a polygamous relationship with the both of them?”

 

Waving his hand dismissively, BamBam says that he is missing the point. “Have you seen the way he looks at you?”

 

“Who? Jaebum?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Hyung, you’re so dense…”

 

“Am not!”

 

“Do you like him?”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you like Jaebum?”

 

“I… no? I mean, I like him of course, he’s a friend after all!”

 

BamBam raises an eyebrow, but surprisingly drops the subject for the night—much to Youngjae’s relief.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Youngjae does not understand why.

 

He does not understand why it was so hard to tell someone about the feelings he harboured for Jaebum.

 

Especially to Jaebum—and sometimes, even to himself.

 

Perhaps it is because of the many other people Jaebum surrounds himself with.

 

Perhaps it is the bitter stares that girls throw his way when he is with Jaebum.

 

Perhaps it is something else altogether—but the words he wants to express would just not slip past his lips.

 

They could not.

 

And thus, Youngjae spends two whole years loving Jaebum not from afar—but right next to him, without the other knowing; laughing with the other while something reached out desperately from within him.

 

* * *

 

“Someone asked me to be their date for the Christmas Ball.”

 

Youngjae’s loses grip on the controller that instant, causing his character to die in the video game they are playing and leading to a game over soon after. Jaebum was never really good at playing it alone.

 

“Um,” Youngjae bites his lips, “congratulations?”

 

He does not understand the look on Jaebum’s face, except that it wasn’t one of joy. The older boy replies with a curt thanks and asks if they should try another level instead.

 

They do, but never beat that level—each of them constantly making small mistakes and watching their characters die over and over again.

 

“I give up!” Youngjae announces after they fail for the thirty first time. “That’s enough for today.”

 

As they crawl into Youngjae’s bed, bodies squished uncomfortably but familiarly together for their usual weekend afternoon naps, Jaebum asks if Youngjae is going to the ball with anyone.

 

“I wasn’t planning to go,” Youngjae answers hesitantly.

 

“Would you have asked anyone if you were?”

 

Youngjae ponders for a long time before answering that he does have someone in mind.

 

They fall asleep soon after, Youngjae dreaming of picnic dates and late night pillow talks with Jaebum.

 

When he wakes up, however, Jaebum isn’t next to him like he usually would be.

 

There is nothing left of the other boy there—not his backpack, not his phone, but merely a text: _Sorry I had to leave suddenly, something came up. Hope you slept well, see you tomorrow!_

 

Youngjae did not know then, that it would not meet Jaebum the next day.

 

Or the week after.

 

The next time he sees Jaebum, there is a girl trailing after the other—giggling and reaching to hold his arm every now and then.

 

For the first time in his life, Youngjae feels what it is really like to have his heart ache.

 

* * *

 

Youngjae tells himself that it isn’t too bad.

 

That having a third person with them isn’t such a bad thing.

 

She meant no harm. In fact, she was just like him—smitten and totally in love with Jaebum. The only difference was that she had no problems showing it.

 

Even though she is the newcomer, Youngjae soon feels immensely awkward when it is just the three of them. He feels like the third wheel, feels the stares thrown their way, feels the gossip going around.

 

He tries to smile when she treats him kindly, tries to laugh along with them, tries to pretend that he isn’t jealous that someone else is getting closer to Jaebum by the day.

 

After all, Jaebum was not his.

 

Yet all these bottled up emotions do him no good, finally resulting in an outburst that he doesn’t expect. Storming out of the cafe after a heated debate with the other two wasn’t as bad as knowing that Jaebum decided to stay instead of chase after him.

 

In hindsight, Youngjae wondered why he did not let go then.

 

To move on and stop crying himself to sleep.

 

It was such an easy thought to have, yet so hard to make into reality.

 

Every time he laid eyes on Jaebum, his resolve would weaken. He felt like a helpless moth, drawn to a dazzling light that would burn him.

 

On the day of the Christmas Ball, Youngjae locks himself up in his room until BamBam almost breaks the door down.  Tired of putting up a fight, he allows himself to be dragged over to the ball—already choosing a few secluded spots to hide himself at upon reaching.

 

His plan would have been perfect, if only the spot he had chosen did not already occupy two other people.

 

Youngjae always thought that nightmares were made of scary spirits and grotesque monsters.

 

He never imagined something as sweet as a kiss would haunt him forever.

 

Especially not a kiss that involved Jaebum.

 

Youngjae cries extra hard that night, hoping the tears would wash away the image of Jaebum kissing someone else.

 

He remembers the moment when he first saw the girl together with Jaebum, recalls the ache in his heart and how he thought it was the worst feeling one could ever had.

 

Bitterly, he realizes that he only thought so then because he had yet to have his heart broken like it is now.

 

* * *

 

 

“Twenty four hours, hyung,” BamBam taps his shoulder. “You’ve been playing video games for one whole day without rest.”

 

Instead of replying, Youngjae continues to click his mouse furiously.

 

He wasn’t even winning the match.

 

“You need to rest,” BamBam pleads.

 

“I can’t. I told you, I’m having trouble sleeping.”

 

“Please don’t make me bring Mark over to get you to stop.”

 

Youngjae does not answer.

 

He did not mind it either way.

 

If they left him be, he would be too exhausted to even think. If Mark came over, he would descend into a hell of lectures dished out by an angry introvert—either way, it would take his mind off things.

 

Take his mind off Jaebum.

 

* * *

 

Living in hate is not something Youngjae does well, but he does anyway.

 

Whenever he sees Jaebum and her from afar, he turns the other way—soon coming to resent the memories he had of them together.

 

Whenever he bumps into Jaebum unexpectedly, he forces a smile, forces a passing greeting and moves on.

 

“It’s been some time since we’ve hung out,” Jaebum says one day when Youngjae turns a corner and bumps into him.

 

“Is it?” Youngjae did not know his acting would convince even himself, “feels like we just talked a few days ago! I saw you at Jackson’s party, remember?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Jaebum flushes when he realizes his own forgetfulness. “But you were pretty occupied then, I think?”

 

He had been, occupied by the sight of Jaebum and his lover, to the point where he could stand it no longer. Alcohol was his immediate resort, clouding him in a temporary haze of comfort.

 

Mark had found him then, too tipsy and vulnerable to be left alone—and had carried him up to one of the guest rooms.

 

“I just had some other things to do,” is Youngjae’s reply.

 

He leaves immediately before hearing what Jaebum has to say—because he does not think that he can keep his act up for any longer than that.

 

* * *

 

 

“Did you love him?”

 

Despite the question, Mark’s expression is as stoic as ever. There is no hint of amusement or judgement, and Youngjae prefers it this way.

 

“No.”

 

He knows that Mark knows when he is lying, so he doesn’t bother telling the truth.

 

“Do you hate him now?”

 

Despite their conversation, Mark opens his bottle of tea, downing it while waiting for a reply.

 

“No.”

 

Mark’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly.

 

“I guess you can’t even if you wanted to, huh?”

 

* * *

 

 

Youngjae soon comes to understand why they say time is the best healer.

 

He also comes to realize that they don’t mention what it is time heals, or how much it would heal.

 

All he knows that he comes to accept a few things.

 

That he had never made his feelings known.

 

That he had no right to be angry with Jaebum for choosing to be with someone else.

 

That he would never be able to erase the memories of them together from his mind—ever.

 

That even when he is offered a scholarship to study abroad, that even when he is there—he will never be able to forget Im Jaebum; his smile, his voice, his touch.

 

And he doesn’t.

 

Despite living away for more than a year, since he started meeting more people, going to parties, even when he took a dive out of his comfort zone to go on a blind date his friends set up for him—he could not ignore the tiny voice in the back of his mind, the little crack that threatened to burst and flood him with memories of Im Jaebum.

 

He hates it.

 

Hates the little voice that whispers of the unrequited feelings he has for Jaebum; but a tiny part of him also appreciates it—for reminding him of the irreplaceable moments that they have shared.

 

Youngjae stays awake on many nights, replaying their first kiss over and over again.

 

He likes to let the images of their times together flash by: the times they have spent skipping classes, cuddling in his bed, sneaking out of parties to be alone on their own, the way Jaebum would hold his hands and pull him close on rainy nights—and sometimes, he wonders: did Jaebum never feel the same way about him?

 

Just a little?

 

Even if it was just for a few seconds?

 

He hates that he will never know.

 

* * *

 

 

When Mark and Jackson show up unannounced at his rented room on his birthday, Youngjae is beyond shocked.

 

In his half-awake state, Jackson pops a confetti over him and wishes him happy birthday in a sing-song voice. Mark rolls his eyes at Jackson and pulls Youngjae into the tightest hug he has ever received from the other.

 

BamBam and Yugyeom show up slightly later, along with Jinyoung whom Mark introduces as his and Jackson’s university roommate.

 

It is quite a sight to take in, Youngjae thinks as he looks at the five people crowded in front of his door. He also thinks that it is possibly the first time he actually felt happy in a long while.

 

Not only did they travel halfway around the world for his birthday, they made sure to bring gifts and great company for a quiet birthday brunch and an extravagant birthday dinner. Amidst the festivities, Youngjae thinks that maybe, maybe he can finally let his lost love go.

 

Maybe having friends would be enough for him, until he found someone he could love more than Jaebum.

 

If he could ever find someone else to love more than he loved Jaebum.

 

Among the chatter, Youngjae hears Jaebum’s name and his heart skips a long beat.

 

He finds out then that Jinyoung is rather close to Jaebum.

 

The others seem genuinely shocked that someone would bring up that name, so Youngjae chalks it up to the fact that no one had ever filled Jinyoung in about Youngjae’s past with the other.

 

Before the other continues, Youngjae grabs another bottle of beer and excuses himself. Outside, he finds a bench and trembles from hearing the other’s name; trembles from trying to prevent the crack in his mind from exploding and drowning him with memories of Jaebum.

 

He thinks that it is ridiculous, that after all this time, the mere mention of Jaebum’s name would still have so much power over him.

 

Gulping down his beer, he takes deep breaths as hot tears sting his eyes. Through the buzz of alcohol in his mind, he feels angry.

 

Angry at himself for still holding on to unrequited feelings from years ago.

Feelings that have only led him to sadness.

 

He think that, as a present to himself, he should stop loving Jaebum.

 

“You need to let go, Youngjae,” he tells himself, taking another gulp of beer. The alcohol goes straight into his veins and he feels himself feeling better at the expense of losing control over his body.

 

He thinks that, if he tried hard enough now, he could just put an end to all the lingering feelings.

 

So he tries, and decides that he has.

 

“Happy birthday, Choi Youngjae.”

 

Or so he wished himself—but the fact is that he had imagined his twenty-second birthday to be rather different.

 

Not that he wasn’t happy that his friends came all the way over to celebrate with him; but just that he wasn’t entirely happy either.

 

He did imagine that there would be alcohol involved in the celebration, but he did not expect to be **this** intoxicated.

 

Not to the point where his sight would turn blurry or the sounds around him started to soften into nothing.

 

Someone is talking to him, but he doesn’t quite catch the words. So he does the next thing that comes to his mind is to ignore it. If the person wanted his attention, he could wait.

 

Youngjae sighs, going back to where he left his train of thoughts. He did imagine that he would make an important wish, like he did before for all his previous birthdays—but not one that would break his own heart.

 

Not that it had not already been broken before.

 

“Youngjae, are you alright?”

 

Oh. It slowly dawns upon him that the person next to him isn’t a stranger, but someone who knows him. Perhaps Mark had come after him?

 

Turning to lean on Mark, Youngjae stops when he realizes that the person isn’t Mark. Just a tad bit taller, with broader shoulders, hair slicked back—Youngjae’s eyes widen for a moment and he wonders if the alcohol is finally getting to him in the worst possible way.

 

He imagined that he would be celebrating it with someone he loved, but not quite in this way.

 

He looks at the man seated next to him, or at least, he tries to.

 

To focus his blurry gaze on the man who had stepped into his life without warning, who brightened it up almost too instantly, who had stayed by his side during some of his darkest days, who now wore a worried look on his face—the man Youngjae had loved since three years ago.

 

No, he reminds himself bitterly: he no longer loved him.

 

Im Jaebum is now merely a man he once loved.

 

He should not give up on his newly made resolution so quickly.

 

In fact, he did not even know if it was actually Jaebum, or if it was his eyes playing a trick on him.

 

“Mark hyung...?”

 

The person’s eyebrows furrow. Maybe it wasn’t Mark after all. Or maybe Mark disapproved of his drunkenness.

 

“Let’s get you back inside,” Jaebum-Mark offers. Youngjae aggressive objects, doing his best to stay glued to where he sat.

 

“No,” Youngjae insists, “I want to spend time alone.”

 

“You’re not alone as long as I’m here.”

 

“Well,” Youngjae huffs, still downing the rest of his beer, “I’ll be alone with you then.”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

At the words, Youngjae feels like he should really affirm the identity of the person and leans in close to the other. He squints—not that it really helps—and feels his heart stop when he sees two familiar moles above the person’s eye.

 

Mark didn’t have those.

 

Feeling his throat go dry, Youngjae leans back and shifts slightly further away. If he could see better, he would have seen the expression of hurt on Jaebum’s face—but he doesn’t, and the other doesn’t tell him either.

 

* * *

 

 

Neither of them keep count of how long they sit in silence, staring at each other.

 

Youngjae’s mind swirls with many unorganized questions and he finally settles on the one thought that screams louder than the rest.

 

It seems that Jaebum is expecting questions, because he is entirely caught off guard by the words that slip past Youngjae’s lips.

 

“I loved you, Im Jaebum.”

 

The older boy looks confused, and this time, Youngjae can see the hurt on the other’s face.

 

“Loved, Youngjae?”

 

“Yes,” the younger boy tries to sound convincing—so at least he would convince at least himself, if not the other, “I decided earlier that it was time to end my silly feelings for you.”

 

Jaebum tries to speak, but words seem to fail him, so Youngjae continues.

 

“I loved you so much that I came to hate you, hate the times we spent together. I tried to hard to forget you, too, but it was, just… impossible? Is there even such a thing? And so I just hated you even more, but I woke up one day, right after I moved here,” Youngjae chokes, realizing that he is crying and takes a deep breath calm himself ever so slightly.

 

“I woke up then and realized I couldn’t even hate you,” Youngjae reaches to wipe his tears with his sleeve. “What are you doing here, by the way?”

 

Jaebum lets out a weak chuckle at the unexpected words and the totally unrelated question. “I came here to see you.”

 

Youngjae lifts an eyebrow in disbelief.

 

“It’s true. Jinyoung mentioned that Jackson and everyone else would be visiting, so I pried for a bit more information and came on my own,” Jaebum confesses. “I didn’t expect to see you here, tonight, though.”

 

“What did you want to do?” Youngjae bites his lips, suddenly feeling tipsy again from the words he is hearing.

 

“To wish you happy birthday,” Jaebum starts, “and to tell you something I’ve been meaning to tell you in person.”

 

Youngjae looks at Jaebum, really looks at him, and he notices a glint in the other’s eyes that he recognizes. It is the way he looks at Jaebum when he thinks the other isn’t noticing, the way he takes in everything in his sight to admire the other—basically being entirely smitten. “Please don’t tell me that you loved me,” Youngjae whispers fiercely.

 

The older boy looks surprised, then smiles hesitantly. “I won’t, Youngjae,” he pauses, then continues softly, “because I still do.”

 

The tears that had stopped spill out again and Youngjae shakes his head aggressively. “This is a bad joke. You can’t tell me you love me now, after all those years, after I’ve finally decided to let it go! It’s not fair!”

 

“Do you think it’s fair for you to have not said anything about it, then?”

 

Youngjae had seen Jaebum when the older boy was angry, but it had never been directed at him. For the first time in his life, he experiences how it is like to be on the receiving end of Jaebum’s wrath and it makes him think twice about his next words.

 

Without waiting for a reply, Jaebum continues. “I love you, Choi Youngjae. From the night I saw you across room at Jackson’s party—wait, do you even remember?”

 

“Um, do you mean the party where you kissed me?” Youngjae feels silly for feeling flustered at the memory but feels slightly better when he sees the blush spreading across Jaebum’s cheeks as well.

 

“No, silly,” Jaebum chuckles and Youngjae can’t help but feel lighter at the sound. “The party where you got drunk. Horribly but wonderfully drunk.”

 

Jaebum grins as Youngjae’s mouth forms a perfect O at the memory.

 

“I guess you don’t remember much from that night after all, you were beyond wasted.”

 

“I was,” Youngjae admits regretfully. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

 

“See you downing bottle after bottle and serenading us at the top of your voice? Please never apologize for that.”

 

Youngjae hides his face in his palms, still listening to the other despite not meeting the other’s gaze.

 

“I wasn’t in the best of moods then, but went to the party since Jinyoung insisted that it would cheer me up. It didn’t, until you pointed at me and dedicated an entire love song to me.”

 

“...I did?”

 

“To be honest, you dedicated a breakup song to me right after as well, so it probably didn’t mean much—but it did to me.” A sincere smile follows Jaebum’s words and Youngjae feels his heart constricting from too many conflicting feelings. “I always looked out for you during Jackson’s parties after that, but you didn’t seem to remember me and I guess, I’m not the bravest person out there.  At least, not until Jackson blindfolded me and insisted I kiss someone in order to be ‘set free’—his words, not mine.”

 

“But, the blindfold, how did-”

 

“I could see through the blindfold, Youngjae.”

 

Pieces begin to fall into place in Youngjae’s mind, causing him to blush furiously at the knowledge that Jaebum had chosen to kiss **him** that night. That it wasn’t some accident.

 

“If you already did that, then… why didn’t you say anything after?” Youngjae’s mind plays out a million scenarios of what would have been if he had knew this back then.

 

“I was unsure, hesitant, scared,” the older boy explains. “Were you into men? Was I just a friend to you? I wanted to take it slow and be sure, but then-”

 

“Then you fell in love with her instead.”

 

Jaebum looks sad at the words. “I didn’t love her, Youngjae. She was a friend.”

 

“You chose her though?” Youngjae doesn’t bother hiding the resentment in his voice. “I saw you both at the ball, kissing.”

 

“I didn’t choose her, and about that—she kissed me,” Jaebum replies fiercely. “But you’re right, it probably seemed like that to you because I didn’t do anything. I didn’t chase after you when we had a disagreement, I never said anything—but neither did you.”

 

Youngjae is about to argue back when Jaebum continues: “I’m not here to play the blame game, I was stupid, and you probably had your reasons for doing what you did. I’m here just to tell you what I should have told you a long time ago.”

 

“You flew all the way here just for that? Then what, that’s it?”

 

“Mostly, yes,” Jaebum shrugs, “I hoped that you would tell me the same, because Jinyoung finally sat me down and told me that I have been blind all these years—and I have. But you also made it clear that it is something of the past to you, so I  will respect that.”

 

“So if I get up now and walk back into the restaurant, to my friends, you will leave and this will be it?”

 

Jaebum ponders for a long time before nodding. “If that is what you want, Youngjae. I didn’t expect to flame a dead fire back to life after so long, to be honest.”

 

“You’d go all the way abroad just to flame a dead fire?”

 

“Stop asking me things like that Youngjae,” Jaebum warns, “and watch that tone, why are you being so angry?”

 

“How could I not!” Youngjae abandons his empty bottle on the bench and raises his hands, aggressively trying to express himself yet trying to hold back from reaching out further. “After all these years, I’ve been so stupid, you’ve been stupid—when we were just afraid and cautious, trying to take things slow but all I’ve been is hurt and I’m finally learning to let go but you won’t let me!”

 

“You’re not making sense, Youngjae—I just said I’d respect your decision to not pursue anything!”

 

“You’re the one who isn’t making sense, hyung, you think it’d be that easy to just let the past be the past when you show up unannounced and tell me you’ve actually loved me all the time I thought you didn’t!”

 

“I’m sorry? Is that what you want to hear? Maybe I shouldn’t have come then,” Jaebum rolls his eyes and shifts on the bench, “Maybe I should take my leave now.”

 

“That’s not what I meant—you know what I mean,” Youngjae reaches out to grab his arm, torn between wanting Jaebum to stay and wanting nothing else to do with the other. “I confused, okay? I don’t know what to feel right now. I’ve loved you for so long that it’s second nature to me—one that hurt me for the longest time, and I had just decided earlier to stop hurting myself in that way—I don’t know how I feel about you right now.”

 

“Would you like some help with that?”

 

Before Youngjae finds an answer, familiar fingers find his cheeks yet again—brushing over them before lips are firmly pressed onto his.

 

Unlike the first time, there are no shouts that fill Youngjae’s ears—just the thumping of his own heart in the night.

 

Unlike the first time, he doesn’t wonder if it is a mistake—he knows that it is Jaebum’s choice. That **he** is Jaebum’s choice.

 

Jaebum doesn’t break the kiss anytime soon after, instead deciding to take nips at Youngjae’s lips and slipping his tongue into the other’s mouth when the younger boy lets him. His fingers abandon Youngjae’s cheeks and move to grab the back of his neck instead, holding him to deepen the kiss.

 

When they do run out of breath and finally break the kiss, Youngjae thinks that the way Jaebum looks at him isn’t too different from the first time. The older boy’s cheeks are flushed and he still smiles at Youngjae—just that he now looks at Youngjae as if he is his entire world.

 

“Did you know,” Youngjae starts breathlessly, “that I fell in love with you right after you kissed me back then?”

 

Jaebum rests his forehead on Youngjae’s, shaking his head slightly. “I do now,” he answers, “did it work a second time?”

 

Youngjae giggles but catches himself in time, reaching to slap Jaebum lightly on the chest. The older boy catches his fingers and is about to kiss them, when he hears a rustle and stops. Narrowing his eyes, he asks Youngjae if he would still like to head back into the restaurant or head elsewhere with him.

 

“I think I should let them know, at least, so they won’t get worried,” the younger boy insists, but Jaebum makes a sound of disappointment and mentions that they already know. Confused, Youngjae follows Jaebum’s line of sight and turns around to see Jackson and Jinyoung waving to him from a little further.

 

“Did,” Youngjae almost chokes in panic, “did they see everything?”

 

Jaebum shrugs, a look of displeasure on his face. Youngjae guesses that the other didn’t like the answer and hence probably did not want him to know either.

 

Dragging himself off the bench, Youngjae walks towards the pair, only to the rest join them after.

 

“Um,” Youngjae starts, but had not actually planned on what he wanted to say.

 

“We were just checking up on you,” Jackson admits, “since you were gone for so long. I was going to leave you alone, but BamBam said the argument was getting kind of heated and that we might have to stop you guys in case you got into a fight so…”

 

“BamBam was here too?” Youngjae asks in disbelief.

 

“He came to get us,” Yugyeom says, rather excited at the turn of events. “In case things got rough.”

 

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow at the comment but Yugyeom insists that those were BamBam’s exact words. Youngjae wants to bury himself elsewhere, mortified that his exchange with Jaebum had been seen by his friends, that his **_kiss_ ** had been seen—even if a few of them had not been there when it happened, it was enough to make him feel embarrassed.

 

“Why are you turning so red, Youngjae?” Jackson asks, pulling him into a quick hug. “It’s not like we’ve never seen Jaebum kiss you before!”

 

Youngjae feels Jaebum’s arm around his waist as soon as Jackson releases him, and feels slightly less miserable when he is pulled back into Jaebum’s hold. “Enough with the teasing, guys,” Jaebum interjects, “sorry I took up your time with him, but could we have some time alone now?”

 

“Wait, did everyone know about this?” Youngjae asks, eyeing his friends—especially Mark. He didn’t think the other would hide such a thing from him.

 

“Don’t look at us like that, hyung,” Yugyeom pats him on the shoulder. “We only knew after we saw. Although I can’t say the same for Jinyoung-hyung.” The younger boy moves to hide behind MArk when Jinyoung glares at him.

 

“I had no idea Jaebum would actually come, I just mentioned it to him in passing after I found out from Mark that you had the longest crush on him. Because he had the longest crush on you that he wouldn’t act on. But I’m happy you both have already moved to the point of having couple arguments already,” Jinyoung nods approvingly.

 

“Can we go now?” Youngjae jumps at the whisper and the brush of Jaebum’s lips on his ear.

 

“Where are we going?” Youngjae turns to look at him, only to be greeted by a shrug of his broad shoulders. “Do you have anywhere in mind? My hotel’s just around the corner.”

 

“Are you bringing Youngjae back to your hotel room?” BamBam asks, a little to enthusiastically. “I’ve been waiting to hear someone say that for **_years_ **!”

 

“Just go,” Mark says, before anyone else had other comments to add. “As long as you’re alright with it Youngjae,” he reminds. “Just call me if you need anything.”

 

“Call me if you need condoms,” BamBam offers, only to be wrangled by Yugyeom. Jinyoung offers an apologetic smile, although Youngjae has a feeling that he probably had much more to say, and bids them on their way.

 

As soon as Mark waves goodbye to them, Jaebum grabs Youngjae’s hand and leads him away.

 

“Are we really going to your,” he stutters before managing to continue, “hotel room?”

 

Jaebum raises an eyebrow and smirks at the younger boy. “Why? Are you nervous?”

 

“I-I’m just, wondering, that’s all! I mean, we have a lot of catching up to do…”

 

“Oh, we do, Youngjae,” Jaebum’s voice is deep and filled with amusement, “we do.”

 

It earns him a light slap from Youngjae like before and Jaebum catches his fingers again. “You haven’t answered me, though.”

 

Youngjae tilts his head. “What about?”

 

“Did you fall for me a second time since I kissed you again? You insisted that you had stopped loving me, so I’m just wondering.”

 

“You are so cheesy, Im Jaebum,” Youngjae shakes his head, but leans over to leave a chaste kiss on the other’s cheek. “But yes, I did. I fell in love with you all over again.”

 

Cringing after his own cheesy declaration, Youngjae adds that he hopes this second love will be less painful.

 

Jaebum stops in his tracks, turning to him and planting a kiss on his forehead. “I promise you I won’t hurt you, never intentionally, and hopefully never unintentionally as well.”

 

The younger boy smiles and thanks him, but regrets when Jaebum squeezes his ass and whispers: “I can’t say the same for what we’re going to do tonight though.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, you know I like ending my fics with GOT5 (and mostly Jinyoung) and cheesy lines (･´ω`･)
> 
> If you have any song suggestions for other fics in this series, feel free to comment them for me to check out! :)  
> Not every fic will be as short/long as this one, I actually imagined this to be shorter but I got a bit carried away towards the end heh
> 
> Am also on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/7theavenly) if you’d like to DM your song recommendations to me there instead!╰(✿´⌣`✿)╯♡


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